In a few days, the nation will be in the throes of one of the major psychological gameplay commercial holidays of all time…Valentine’s Day. What a ruse? And yet you and I know the same routine plays out for most American men every year.
This is one situation where it doesn’t matter if you are Black, white, brown, red or yellow… you can be sure the same demands will be put on the male species of every ethnicity in these United States on February 14. Never mind that Christmas was only two months ago. This is the quintessential, “what have you done for me lately?” scenario.
Now, you know, you can’t lump all men or all women in the same category. That’s stereotyping. There are some men who won’t be bullied into some obligatory show of affection because this particular date on the calendar is marked by a big red heart. Likewise, there are some women, who don’t have superficial expectations of their husbands, fiancés, boyfriends, lovers, or friends with benefits.
Those occasional anomalies withstanding, there’s a reason that you will see so many people rushing to the florist over the next few days. There is a reason that CVS lines its greeting card rows with Valentine’s Day promotional material. There may be some people who don’t get into it, who feel like they are over it or just choose some other time to celebrate affection. These folks are in the minority.
And men, when did you let Valentine’s Day become all about what to do with or for your woman? If it’s a day for lovers, shouldn’t it be mutual?
I get it. Guys are usually not quite so sentimental, so the prospect of getting a bouquet or an embellished card the size of a sheet of construction paper isn’t appealing. Men generally focus on three things when it comes to women, and I don’t want to take the time to explain what you already know. None of the three include sexy underwear or a box of chocolates.
Inevitably, dedicated legions of men will wait until the last minute to purchase their ladies’ gifts. It’s as though they just don’t get the fact that like it or not, it happens every year around this time. So they will only find the short stem roses, the picked over cards, and the candy that children don’t even like in many of those cases. When she tries to convince you, conceal her disappointment and tell you it’s OK, it’s the thought that counts, you are sunk fellas.
So whether you like it or not, most men will go along to get along. Keep the peace. But I do want to share a few humorous items that may give you a chuckle or two in the interim. Don’t hesitate guys to share this list with your significant others or any women in your life. It’s a humorous but real list of man rules. For those brothers lol ethnicities ready to put your foot down, here you go:
WE ALWAYS HEAR ‘THE RULES’ FROM THE FEMALE SIDE. LET’S FLIP THE SCRIPT! NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE. PLEASE NOTE…THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!
- MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
- LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU’RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT’S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON’T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
- CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
- ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! wSTRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT!
- YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
- COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM only IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT’S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
- ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
- IF YOU THINK YOU’RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON’T ASK US.
- IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS, AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE
- YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
- WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
- CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS, AND NEITHER DO WE.
- ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
- IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG, AND YOU SAY ‘NOTHING,’ WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING’S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
- IF YOU ASK A QUESTION THAT YOU DON’T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR.
- WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE…REALLY.
- DON’T ASK US WHAT WE’RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
- YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
- YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
- I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
- THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON’T MIND THAT? IT’S LIKE CAMPING.
PASS THIS ON TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN – TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH. PASS THIS ON TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN – TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE! THEN JUST SAY… “HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!”
CIRCLE CITY CONNECTION by Vernon A. Williams is a series of essays on myriad topics that include social issues, human interest, entertainment and profiles of difference-makers who are forging change in a constantly evolving society. Williams is a 40-year veteran journalist based in Indianapolis, IN – commonly referred to as The Circle City. Send comments or questions to: [email protected].