By Ima Gontellit, Chicago Crusader
THE GRANDEST JURY
Why is a big mouth from Hyde Park running around telling people that he was subpoenaed before a federal grand jury to tell what he knows about a certain politician that is being considered for prosecution by the Alphabet Boys?
Well, one answer is, the fool is scared and doesn’t know any better. The other answer is, the fool gave up the goods and has been trying to figure out how to come out of this whole thing not looking like what de young folks call “a snitch.”
This guy from Hyde Park is tellin’ people he wasn’t the only one hauled before a grand jury. He claims three other Negro businesspeople were also called in to answer questions into possible “pay-to-play” schemes and some other sort of “grand hustle.”
If this man isn’t high, lak he usually is, then that means somebody is about to get some silver bracelets in a matter of weeks. That also means, there’s a whole slew of people running around the South and West sides of town wearing wires—-because everybody know these greedy ass lackeys will do anything for a buck. Having done so, they almost always get “caught up” in crimes, and for those keeping score—100 percent of the time they roll on whomever was doing what to whom.
Should an indictment come down, nobody in the community should be surprised. Negro politicians almost always get caught, whether they did anything or not. And, it’s embarrassing to say, they usually do considerable time for taking little bits of money. If you gonna steal, why not go full Dan Rostenkowski? Why would you do time for a few thousand bucks, some sports tickets, and a bottle of Jack?
-Ima-
JUST PASSIN’ THRU
We hear some people are hoppin’ mad that they’ve been “cut out of a deal,” and now they are gearing up to “expose” a big name Negro who they claim ain’t nothing but a “pass through” company for white folks. They say this country-bred leader is making a whole lot of money and has barely any employees, no equipment and possibly can’t even “read.” Said one lady with a gold tooth on the bottom,“This (n-word) is out here playin’ games. We know he a pass through for these white folks who want those minority set asides. Now if we know this way on 47th Street, then you know (name withheld) knows it. That’s why we don’t believe nothing this {n-word} say or do, because the money he is using is because {its a kickback and he can’t file it on his taxes.} How this [n-word} gonna justify his annual earnings with no employees and operating out of a little ass office that don’t even have computers?”
-Ima-
THE PREACHER’S WIFE
Lawd! People out here ain’t playing. Someone is going around saying that the “new wife” of a preacher who is connected to De Mayor and Congressman Bobby Rush ain’t nothing but a “hoe” and used to “use her ass” to “entrap men.” Well, someone got some pictures of this lady and they said they might put it out there, except they don’t want to catch a case. They claim the preacher, who loves Izod sweaters and to sit up in bars drinking in the middle of the day, doesn’t know that his bride offered her undying love to at least six other ministers over the last “five years,” said a man, who claims the lady once “threw the P” at him.
Now people are out here sharing war stories about their times with this newly cemented First Lady and have taken to laughing behind the back of this preacher. Said one laughing person, “If this man comes out here playing games in the mayor’s race, we’re gonna put these pictures of his wife on the street…” and “she ain’t no good and that’s why she’s with a no good preacher.”
Chicago is a dirty town.
-Ima-
MONEY LOOKS FUNNY
A well known Negro organization with dwindling membership is on shaky ground. You see its associates are starting to wise up about the group’s “finances.” We’re hearing on the street dat a team of angry “members” have demanded to know what happened to a $1.5 million loan and how come they are being told there is a $3 million budget hole, when “nobody can see what it was spent on,” said one 32-year-old group member who is a part of the uprising. These people are so mad, they are circulating a “letter” they sent to the group’s leaders on the internet for all to see. The letter done got in the “wrong hands” and now it’s all over the place—including Springfield, the Mayor’s Office, CPD and the IL Attorney General, somebody claims. At least one fellow told someone who told someone who told somebody else, “I bet they blind copied the authorities” and they are “setting [names withheld] up to be charged with misappropriating funds.”
-Ima-
LAFF A LITTLE
Redd Foxx said it: “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.”
FIFTEEN & PREGNANT
Did a bootleg preacher get a 15-year-old girl in his “churrrrrrch” pregnant after he gained her trust and counseled her because she was “acting out against her mama?” Yeah, and the sad part of it is, this jackleg is also taking liberties with the mother too. At least two choir members were overheard at a local restaurant tellin’ all their pastor’s business while chewing on cheddar biscuits and shrimp at a local seafood restaurant. Someone at a table overheard these loudmouths who named names. While Ima will not tell who dis Negro preacher is or the little gal he done knocked up, we can say in about five more months (according to that soprano and alto) everybody in de church will soon know. And then, we believe, all hell will break loose, similar to the way it has for a Grammy-winning preacher who was caught in a butt naked scandal and is currently pastoring his well-known, hand-me-down church from an unknown location in Atlanta. Yeah, the Negro don’t even live in Chicago. He flies in on Sunday and Skypes in for Bible Study. Apparently, he fired his “ninjas” and is in hiding from several people–including one woman, one gay (male) lover, and a he/she who was unable to con the cleric out of money for a much-desired transitional surgery.
EDITOR’S NOTE: This column is published as political satire, street gossip and humor, and therefore should not be considered as fact but rather as matter of opinion. None of the items therein are collected by the news gathering staff of the Crusader Newspaper Group. Items forwarded to The Chatterbox are kept confidential unless otherwise requested by the author in writing. For submissions please forward to: [email protected]. Original photography and artwork are permitted. Thank you for reading!
