By Ima Gontellit, Chicago Crusader
DE NEW YEAR BLUES
Ima heard about 92 gunshots at midnight Monday as people sat around bringing in the new year. Thankfully none of dem bullets winded up in Ima’s ass. What be sad is de preachers were having a “watch party” looking up in de sky for Jesus not knowing dat they should’a been teachin’ they flock the true meaning of the gathering. You see Negroes would celebrate the “new year of freedom” and would sit around watchin’ to see if de white man was gonna ride through they parts of town with a pillow case ovah their heads. Now’a’days we be watchin’ for the boot man and the fella with the loose squares. Are Black folk still free in 2018 or am we revertin’ back to Trump’s good ole days? The answer to that question lie in all the political power we got; the money power we got; the real estate we got; the banks we control; and the media we got. So what you say about freedom in 2018?
There’s this wet-behind-the-ears wanna be political star who is so thirsty to be a big-time elected official, he ain’t even waiting for his predecessor to go to a state-sponsored vacation before campaigning for his job. This fellow is nice enough, but some say his mama will be the real political leader if she winds up getting her snot-nose baby in office. In the meantime, some of de wolves have sniffed out this little lamb and are said to be plotting on ‘turning him out’ for their benefit when the day comes that he will be sworn in. Before folks cry about it, they say this little fellow is eager to go on the stroll and has already pledged his undying love for everybody on de Fifth Floor and sneaking around the halls of Cook County.
REMAP IS A COMING
Since all yawl’s cousins and ‘em done moved back to Alabama, de good white folk are probably plotting right now to take one of yawl’s Negro congressional seats. Since they can’t force Bobby “stays in trouble” Rush to sit down and his district is growing whiter; and they can’t make Danny “the voice” Davis do nothing neither ‘cause his district is growing more South Side; it looks like they gone be coming for Robin Kelly’s 2nd congressional district.
Is this why she was recently seen at a Harold’s Chicken? Folks ‘round here only thought she like to eat brie and caviar. The suburban congresslady is said to need some more colored bodies in her white-turning district and since she ain’t good friends with the Panther and don’t look too close to Davis, whose she gonna get them from? Oh and they now sayin’ the 16th Ward of Chicago may be going mostly Hispanic too. That may be why they carryin’ all them Mexican groceries at the Whole Foods in Englewood that can’t nobody pronounce. That might mean one of them state seats will have to go as well. Since nobody seems to care about what they state reps and state senators are doin’ anyway—‘cause some of them been there over 20 years and ain’t never passed one piece of legislation.
IT TAKES A THIEF
Somebody at an independent “Baptist” church has been takin’ a few coins out of the money bag. We hear that everybody is up in arms because one plus one ain’t adding up to two. The preacher is looking at the deacon. The deacon is looking at the head of the usher board. The head of the usher board is looking at the mother board. The mother board is looking at the choir director. The choir director is looking at the Sunday School superintendent. And, the Sunday School teacher is looking at the preacher. Yet, nobody checked the church secretary’s handbag. All in all, they claim a big mess is brewing at this South Side church and if somebody don’t come clean, one member is threatening to go public.
NOT SO HIGH TIMES
With the majority of people in Illinois who are dying from heroin overdoses being from Cook County’s South and West sides of the city, weed advocates are stuck trying to figure out how they can get the sticky icky legalized. The state’s medical weed business is making some white folks very wealthy right now. Now Black state officials are having second thoughts. Look for one, progressive white boy in the statehouse to take up the charge and for him to be fought tooth-and-nail by three Colored politicians who will use the “opioid epidemic” as proof that no one should be able to make $100 million a year selling legal marijuana—especially not poor, struggling, non-violent, first-time offending Black folk who are overcrowding all the prisons for having or smoking weed.
BODY CAM HUNT
Folks down ‘round 35th Street are laughing up a storm about the hunt for a police body camera video showing the wife of a well-known politician with a pumpkin head. They say the wife was mouthing off when her big-time man, hauled off and punched her in the face. The stories are all mixed up, but they sure are funny. Some say this man hit his wife after she called 9-1-1 and Officer Friendly showed up to investigate. Somebody else said he had already put a whupping on de wife when she took to chasin’ him round the house with a knife—and so he called 9-1-1. All in all, this politician’s enemies are combing records and beggin’ some law enforcement snitches to come up with the video. They want to end this guy’s career and stop him from one day being mayor.
Oh Lawd. A well-known transsexual is threatening to out two prominent Negro leaders for feeling her up “accidentally on purpose” without her permission. This beautiful man-lady said these fellows are “no strangers” to exotic women like her but because one is married, and the other is a rising star on LaSalle Street they like to keep their proclivities private. However, because those bloody shoes don’t come cheap, this striking, redbone with the big hands and feet, is now saying it’s time to get paid. So, she told her other gay friends who told their other gay friends who told their straight friends who are out here telling everybody else. Now people are biting their fingernails as the “them too” movement hits Chicago and people’s business gets put all in the street.
IT AIN’T NOTHIN ’NICE
Now ya’ll knows how Ima loves her some Jackson family (ya know the Jesse Jackson family) so it is with tears in my eyes that what Ima was hoping was a going to be a sorta quiet divorce for Jesse and Sandi, Ima hears it done took a turn for the worse. The racist rag, The Chicago Tribune says that if the divorce goes to trial such big named folks as Garry McCarthy, former Chicago police chief, who says he don’t know nothin’ from nothin’ as to why he’s being pulled into this and TV reporter Tamron Hall, along with owners of a strip club and bath house and a nameless longtime travel companion of Junior’s will be called to testify. Say it ain’t so…
EDITOR’S NOTE: This column is published as political satire, street gossip and humor, and therefore should not be considered as fact but rather as matter of opinion. None of the items therein are collected by the news gathering staff of the Crusader Newspaper Group. Items forwarded to The Chatterbox are kept confidential unless otherwise requested by the author in writing. For submissions please forward to: [email protected]. Original photography and artwork are permitted. Thank you for reading!