XMAS BLUES
Well ole Ima ain’t get none of what she wanted for Christmas—an early death for old ass Mister Jody who continues to sleeping and peeing on my side of de bed. I woke up Christmas morning and sure enough he was still breathing—so just know that Santa ain’t worth two dead flies. He dead to me. I even left him some of them special brownies by the electric heater. I was so mad that I made Mister Jody sit his 82-year-old butt down for his holiday dinner and eat a pot of chitlin’s I boiled in vinegar and high fructose corn syrup. That didn’t do him in neither. There he was soppin’ up all that stanky, pig juice with those hard ass biscuits I made on the side. Oh well, there’s always Valentine’s Day.
Ima heard that when Santa Claus came to the South Side he said “ho, ho, ho” and all the pros from 43rd Street showed up outside my house—so I guess Saint Nicky got a little distracted. The good news is when Santa got his happy ending, Ima did get something under her Charlie Brown Christmas tree—-a brand, new pair of binoculars so I can see and tell it all.
-Ima-
63RD & STONY…
Somebody is really praying across the street from the site of the Obama Monument that will take up all of Jackson Park. They got a big sign in front of their housing development begging for it not to be bulldozed. The sign say something about how much dey love that center and they in a lot of support. Its weird to see it out there like that—-did people get wind that their development might become the center’s new parking lot?
-Ima-
JUST SO YOU KNOW…
All you chatterbox readers eat a lot of cheese so you can stay constipated. How Ima know? Because yahll like me and you don’t give a crap! Some thangs just have to be said. It’s all in good fun, though.
-Ima-
THE NEGRO TODAY…
The dark parts of Chicago still don’t have nobody to run against the TINY EMPEROR now that their great brown hope Chuy Garcia said adios and ran off to be a congressman. We hear people is begging and praying that Valerie Jarrett is bored with civilian life and will take up the cause and run in 2019. In the meantime, nobody wants Toni Preckwinkle to run since she tried to make yah’ll lose weight and cure diabetes by taxing sugar pop. That leaves former Cook County Board President Todd Stroger, who can’t seem to bust a grape (politically) these days; teacher’s union lady Karen Lewis, who done took sick; Jonathan Jackson, the son of the Country Preacher who runnin’ round town pushing a fat billionaire down people’s throats; Emil Jones Jr., though people think he’s too old and they don’t know what he be saying half of the time; Willie Wilson, who is a male Harriet Tubman, getting bad advice from some poverty pimps; Attorney Jim Montgomery—but why would he lower himself to do that; or that skinny African girl from the West Side that nobody knows. What be shocking is that not narry’ a soul want Bobby Rush, Danny Davis or Robin Kelly to abandon their congressional posts to give Mr. Emanuel a run-for-his whole lots of money.
That means Black Folk will be trying to unite with Brown Folk (meaning Mexicans) and the handful of White Folk (who have ever walked down 59thand Damen) to ask former AG Lisa Madigan to run since they seem to like her and don’t know what else to do.
-Ima-
THE NEGRO TOMORROW…
When you close your eyes in a few days and open ‘em back up it will be 2018. Then you will realize that you actually survived a whole year of Donald Trump. Your lights didn’t go out; your house didn’t blow up; and nobody repossessed those alligator shoes you got in ’72. All you realize is you been conned, hoodwinked and bamboozled—-not because they put this clown in charge of the nuclear codes, but because you spent so much energy at the circus. In de meantime, all his cabinet members were busy undoing 40 years of civil rights gains and making sure you will stay in student debt for going to Daley College in 1993. Maybe one day we as a people will realize when we’re being had and stay focused—or maybe not.
Ima’s new year’s resolution: I vow to slap the taste out of the mouth of anybody still walking around saying “I wish Harold Washington were alive….” Cause iff’n he was, he’d be ready to disown half of you and shoot the other half. Ain’t done nothing to preserve his legacy. In fact you gave up that ghost a long time ago. Get it together in 2018.
-Ima-
HAZE SLAPSON…
There’s this coon on the Voice of the Negro makin’ it bad for the boss and moreso himself. On the air this public persona claims he’s been attacked, but he pretends it’s because he’s so courageous and doing stuff for Black people. Well, folks is going around town saying this guy ain’t nothing but a punk and even worse a radio troll who is being paid by some Republicans out of Wisconsin. His comedy routine was funny at first—but then he started being real nasty at folk for no good reason. One man was overheard saying he’s thinking about suing, but he changed his mind because the owner “ain’t got (cuss word).” They say his sidekick who is going through a midlife crisis of some kind, recently got $500,000 to start a “media company” to also “go after” Black Democrats in Chicago. One old boy said that the sidekick “ought to be knowing better since he went to school for journalism. He aint’ got no excuse clowning on de radio lak dat. All his credibility be out the toilet, and I bet his peers from the TV station are laughing every day.”
Now a group of angry Black males between the ages of 27 and 67 say they are this/close to exposing the giggling radio punk for what he is—a ‘paid hoe’ who is “prostituting the people’s airwaves to make a few dimes.” They say if he winds up with a pumpkin head, it might just come from one of the many Black women he’s publicly attacked through the years. One high scale individual say dey is going straight to the millionaire man on Michigan Ave. and ask him why he’s underwriting their salaries. This big name person said they is layin’ in wait like a tiger for this sniggling media personality to ‘slip up’ one more time. Ut oh.
EDITOR’S NOTE: This column is published as political satire, street gossip and humor, and therefore should not be considered as fact but rather as matter of opinion. None of the items therein are collected by the news gathering staff of the Crusader Newspaper Group. Items forwarded to The Chatterbox are kept confidential unless otherwise requested by the author in writing. For submissions please forward to: [email protected]. Original photography and artwork are permitted. Thank you for reading!
