By Ima Gontellit, Chicago Crusader
NOW YOU SEE
We was just hiding up under our bunk beds from all the bullets flying outside around the New Shady Rest One Foot In Senior Center when someone yelled across the room. They said right after they teeth fell out: “Now you see why Obammy and ‘Chelle ain’t gone move back here!”
Let’s see:
Why would number 44 move back to the South Side of Chicago where bullets be flying through his back yard? Why would he bring his little girls back to this City when everytime they go to Walgreens somebody gone point at them and start talkin’ about they daddy? Why would he move back here when he knows his not-for-profit is fixing to stick it to taxpayers as he builds a president library without any presidential papers. His Obama Presidential Social Service Technology Philanthropic Chicago Public Library Agency Center hasn’t even broke ground yet and already Negroes been protesting it. Why come back home for dat? You thank ‘Chelle gone take kindly to you Coloreds ringing her do’bell all times of night asking her for a job? You thank they gone move ‘Chelle’s mother back here so you can then starting knocking on her do’bell and reminding her how you once cut her grass—so therefore, you need a contract? You think either one of them want De Tiny Emperor as their mayor? You thank they want a pudgy fat billionaire who refuses to spend money in Negro newspapers as their governor? You figure their daughters will go to The Rink on 87th Street on Saturday night to hang out? You figure they gone return to Trinity Church and sit on the front pew, as every other sermon, references them in some sort of way? How about that dog, Bo—you thank he wanna walk down these streets and take a dump next to somebody sellin’ loose squares? You think Obama gonna go wash his car and wait in line while somebody tells him he ain’t never done nothing for Negro people? Maybe he might move back and start going to Operation P.U.S.H. on Saturdays so everybody in there can stop blaming Jesse “I Ain’t Saying Nuthin No No ‘Bout no Obama’’ Jackson and make him responsible for solving every single problem that’s ever been in dis town. You think ‘Chelle gone find out who killed Harold Washington—and if she refuses to do so, she will let you march all across her yard with misspelled signs as that wacky Jedidah Brown shouts he’s going to kill himself while standing in her flower pot?
Never mind de bullets dat be flying and the stabbings, shootings, car-jackings, and Wednesday night bible studies in all deese megachurches. Why should the Obamas give any of you access that ain’t planned, controlled and managed by the rich white folk who put him in office. [Oh, Ima voted too, and pretended like the Electoral College and the billion dollars he spent had nothing to do it with it. It was all us, you know.]
Yes, we thanks we do understand why they may not never move back here—for real. We just wish they’d take us kinfolk at New Shady Rest with them.
-Ima-
SPEAKING OF STUPID
There be a new plot underway to get Illinois Republicans to fund Negro protest in hopes of swaying elections. This apparently follows the old plot currently underway to get Illinois Democrats to fund Negro protest in hopes of swaying elections
-Ima-
HATER ALERT
One fat man who looks lak he is dying from too many undercooked chitlins’ has been going around drumming up trouble against a female black businesswoman. Seems lak he just be mad that he ain’t “get the deal.” Now we hear this greasy, limpin man is encouraging the woman’s employees to either quit or rebel against her, so says one of his friends, who is also a hatin’ ass Negro. They sayin’ the goal here is that he will somehow force “the deal” to fall through and he will be there with his fat fingers to catch the drippings.
-Ima-
HIM TOO
Is someone trying to come after Willie “Yeah I said Wypipo” Wilson with a me too claim? Well that’s what somebody told this lady who then called Mildred and told her to tell Ima. They thinkin’ this is one of the reasons he’s been giving out millions in cash in $1 dollar increments. The lady said, Wilson’s generosity is a smoke screen to protect him from some woman who been threatening to go public. Said the woman told her pastor she felt violated. They also sayin’ that Wilson is NOT giving out “hush money” and “street money” he got from Bruce “Damn I’m Ugly” Rauner. The long-time black Republican is currently pretending to run for mayor, though no petitions are on the street. Folks who planning on running can start putting out their papers on August 28th—the anniversary of Emmit Till’s murder and Barack Obama’s winning de White House. (Yeah, we know—but once he won that Democratic Primary he was already president.] In de meantime, nobody knows if this rumor about a #metoo attack on Wilson is just his enemies spreading lies, or if there’s something to it. All we know is he got a big bank account, and that kinda money can attract a whole lot of honey —and bees, too.
-Ima-
CREEP ALERT
Somebody said there’s a CTA bus driver on the 47th Street route that is awfully fond of looking at his female passengers behinds soon as they board his bus and head toward their seats. Said his mouth be drooling. If you catch him, send his photo to de Chatterbox, but make sure its yo’ behind he’s lookin’ at.
EDITOR’S NOTE: This column is published as political satire, street gossip and humor, and therefore should not be considered as fact but rather as matter of opinion. None of the items therein are collected by the news gathering staff of the Crusader Newspaper Group. Items forwarded to The Chatterbox are kept confidential unless otherwise requested by the author in writing. For submissions please forward to: [email protected]. Original photography and artwork are permitted. Thank you for reading!
